Sunday, August 10, 2008
loose and free like my 80s hair
I really wish that everything I need will just fall out of the sky and land in my lap in the next couple of weeks. I wish that, were this to happen, I would pull myself together enough not to fuck it up.
..... or I could just keep going along, doing what I think is right, working hard, trying to be a good person and not worry about it all because everything will fall into place by itself.
I like Option B.
Posted at 09:01 pm by
myra_ally
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Wednesday, July 16, 2008
someone who doesn't make me feel bad for wanting to hold hands.
..... maybe it's not that simple ..... maybe.
Posted at 10:13 pm by
myra_ally
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Tuesday, July 08, 2008
The idea that you have read any part of my blog disturbs me. It's not personal. You have to agree that we're really just acquaintances .... so knowing that you have read any part of what I've written here disturbs me. It would be less disturbing if I got a look at your diary. Just saying.
Posted at 10:16 pm by
myra_ally
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Monday, June 09, 2008
I went on a couple of dates with a guy and I already know it's not working. The end hasn't happened yet but it's coming. It's funny that I know this and I'm not ending it myself. I'm going to let him walk away from me. I'm not all that disappointed, it was just a couple of dates, wasn't particularly committed. It's progress. A step through the right door. More than that: it was fun.
Posted at 07:49 pm by
myra_ally
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Sunday, May 25, 2008
It's deflating when you don't talk to me .... when you talk to someone else. We were close once where now you turn away when we sit at dinner together. I know why and you have every right to. We only talk properly when forced, when it's just us left. Down a buzzing city street, late at night. Biting cold air. We talk to each other properly. I wasn't really confused, I know how I feel. I think maybe I know how you feel too. So .... I'll wait and try to be your friend.
Posted at 08:25 pm by
myra_ally
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Sunday, May 18, 2008
I haven't had my period in a while and I don't really care. I've been put on the jury roll for the next year which may put a hole in my travel plans. I feel as if all of a sudden I need to make a choice between going to NY for a year minimum or going to do volunteer work overseas for a couple of months. It's undecided when two weeks ago I was decided. There's so many things I'd like to do at work that will help me in my career. I need to focus on developing all different kinds of relationships ... healthy ones. I need to forget about a boy who doesn't care about me and I need to meet someone who is worth spending time with. Not that I have a criteria list of what kind of financial assets they should have but more a standard of how they should treat me and the things we should like about each other which makes us "nurturing" together. "Nurturing" is what the psychologist calls it. If I go back to the past it's just because I'm scared of moving forward and everything changing in a way I can't control. I'm ready to let him go and actually start being happy. I'm grateful for my friends and for the people who love me. I'm grateful that I grew up with genuinely good people. I'm grateful that I value a life that contributes rather than one that looks for security. My chest still hurts sometimes but it won't one day. I smile more often than I don't.
Posted at 08:42 pm by
myra_ally
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Sunday, May 11, 2008
He has a new girlfriend and, while I saw this coming, it has, at moments, felt like my chest caved in. None of it is black and white so there are no definitive statements that can be made and accusations to be expounded. I don't listen to love songs and feel depressed anymore. I look forward to the day when I'll fall in love with someone and they will fall in love with me and there will be no concessions .... because that hasn't happened yet and I'm too young to not fall with abandon. It will happen one day and I'm hopeful about it all. I'm back to being idealistic and it is by choice. I always wanted him to be happy so, ultimately, maybe this is what I wanted. It has spurred me to review what I'm doing with my own life and realising that I'm floating with no direction. I'm making my resolutions list and while I worry that applying structure to everything may be a "fault" .... you handle things the best way you can.
- eat healthy
- create and execute an exercise routine
- quit smoking
- move out of home
- set goals for work
- make a budget and follow it
- plan my trip to the carribbean
- make plans for aid work
- make time and focus on a relationship when it happens
- put a limit on "flying through clouds"
- read the books I own
- set time for photography
- find a psychologist and see them regularly
- dot my 'i's and cross all my 't's
There's plenty more but I'm sure that is enough for now.
Posted at 03:29 pm by
myra_ally
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Saturday, April 26, 2008
I've realised that I'm vulnerable again. No matter how long you've known someone or how much you trust them. I took it all forgranted and just assumed that I meant more than other girls because we were friends and that means more. I don't know why. And now I'm realising that I may not mean that much at all. It's good, it's knocked me down a peg or two. But if there's a chance I'll get hurt then I can't do this. Yeah, I'll talk big about not avoiding getting hurt but letting go of it when it happens. I'll say all that shit but when it comes down to it, right now, I won't be able to take it. Who ever thought that the comfort would be that I'm already hurting over someone else so there is a limit in how much he can hurt me. And again, he doesn't know all this. I just make these decisions and nobody ever knows. In the end, I'm just saying no before he has a chance to.
Posted at 03:02 pm by
myra_ally
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Wednesday, April 09, 2008
The only person I should be worried about convincing is myself. I decide whether I'm doing a good job or not. I decide whether I'm doing the best I can. The rest can go to hell.
Posted at 09:17 pm by
myra_ally
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Sunday, April 06, 2008
A gives me my way and then makes an effort to be a slight arsehole.
Sitting in the darkness of a cinema, hugely annoyed, I realised that I
was going to be nice even though I was angry.
Z, on the other hand, is a slight arsehole and then makes an effort to give me my way.
What makes me so sad
is that he's the one who really deserves better from me and I don't give it.
Know who is really important to you.
Posted at 07:48 pm by
myra_ally
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